Through my eyes
by forever-a-loan
Summary: "Malik, my faithful friend, I hope you know that I love you."


Malik, my faithful friend, I hope you know that I love you.

Our childhood was hard. We both were trained to become successful assassins, always surpassing mentor's expectations, always trying to become better and better. I remember your young face. You were brought to the fortress along with your brother, both looking scared and exhausted. I remember your dark wide eyes. Master offered you shelter and soon both of you took your path towards becoming professional assassins. Innocence and naïveté was soon replaced by determination and seriousness. I always kept an eye on you. Oh Malik. Not long after you had settled, I befriended you, and it was the most sensible decision I had ever made.

Since then we were inseparable. Training was hard and yet when one of us wanted to give up the other would throw light insults in order to bring back the motivation to carry on. Nevertheless, what I really enjoyed during those carefree years was the times when we went to the library. You were so fascinated by the amount of books there that you once promised me to read every single book and manuscript. I had laughed at you then. Now I know you were serious. Written word had always affected you in ways nothing else could. Your eyes glinted and you had this foolish smile on your face. I wasn't so fond of the books back then, but had stayed with you nevertheless. You would always read for me, reminding that the assassin should have both wisdom and skills in order to become a Master Assassin. I can't help but smile now, since your words were true to the core. If it weren't for your persistence, I wouldn't have reached the rank I am now. Malik, you were a mere child then, yet possessed more wisdom than most of the grown men.

During the following years Mentor had noticed my impressive talent and took me under his wing. As I was trained privately you and I had less and less time together. I did not like it, Malik. Not one bit. However, when I decided to stand against Master's wishes you yourself convinced me to stay put. And so I did. How could I deny you anything? My further tutelage was ruthless. At some point I lost the count of how many times I ended up soaked in my own blood. However, I couldn't say I didn't enjoy it. I had lots of potential and although this training was merciless, it combined both my bloodlust and my want to become the best assassin this world had ever seen. But whenever it was finished and I was limping back to my room, you would almost instantly present yourself in the doorway no matter the ungodly hours of the night, carrying a bowl of warm water, ready to clean my wounds. Oh Malik, you showed me such kindness through your actions. I felt happy to have you by my side.

Many winters had passed, and we'd turned from boys to men. After receiving the renowned hidden blades, we became respected members of the Creed. Your brother was so proud of you, openly showing his admiration and happiness. Both of you showed such a strong bonding, and I was more than jealous. I always knew that your younger brother was your first priority, and I would always be only second in line. I made a promise to myself to stop getting my hopes up. There was no possibility for us to be together in a way I wished for more than anything in the world. With the first professional missions on my hands I was away often. Our Master was influencing my way of thinking, and I began seeing danger wherever I go. He tried to manipulate me, and I foolishly believed everything he had said. I was turning arrogant, self-confident and ignorant. I was lost in the shadows, blind to the world around. In my perplexed mind I heightened myself above others, seeing them as enemies, not allies. Everything was becoming either black or white. With each successful mission I grew more and more independent. I carried out the given quests on my own, killing every target perfectly. Oh Malik. I was losing myself in the deepest caverns of iniquity.

Seeing you was also a rare chance. Even when I managed to meet you, our conversations were cold, no friendship visible in your tone. I did something wrong. But what could it be if I wasn't around you in the first place? Nevertheless, I was glad to see a familiar face for a change. Do you remember those times, Malik? You'd spoke no more than it was necessary, always formal and appropriate. It hurt me to see you so distant, yet it was my wish to torture myself as I did. However, I couldn't take your bitterness for long and so I would leave for another city, for another assassination. What had happened between us, I did not know. From rafiks I gained information that your missions were less dangerous than mine. Was your pride harmed? I did not understand why the Master would treat you as he did. If someone had asked my opinion, I would have told them how great you actually were. You wielded swords better than anyone else, better than me. You were observant and wise, calculating every move, using environment to your own advantage. You were a perfect assassin, Malik. Equal to me in any way no matter what others were saying. They didn't know you as well as I did.

Our lives were going just like that, but then the failure in Solomon's temple had occurred. It was then that my wings were clipped and I had fallen even lower than I was before. Words cannot express how I cursed myself again and again for that accident. I was ashamed; wanting nothing more than to be swallowed up by the ground. No, wait. I wished for one thing. I wished for your forgiveness. My actions were foolish and irresponsible. Engulfed by my own sick ideology I acted on impulse and had to pay for it. But my price was nothing compared to the pain I had caused you. That time when we both appeared before Mentor you told what had happened, blaming me, cursing me. Your harsh words were whipping my heart. I knew I had deserved them. Regardless, it was painful. In that moment I realized the amount of hatred you held for me. I brought it onto myself, there was no denying that. You lost your beloved brother, you lost your limb. It was my fault and I was left alone in this hellhole.

Surviving the stab in my gut (yes, Malik, even our mentor turned away from me) I was given another chance by the same man. I was to atone for my actions, yet I felt that there was nothing that could correct my mistakes. Despite that, I obeyed like a loyal dog I was (the name you had given me in your tantrum that faithful day). I had to rise from ashes, to earn my status again. If that wasn't enough I had to encounter you once more. Oh and you showed me no mercy. Throwing colorful insults, you hold a grudge on me, hating every inch of my being. I remained silent all the while observing the changes in you. The young and scared boy was nowhere to be seen, instead, a rancorous man stood before me. It was so sad to see you fallen and broken like this. I knew this hatred was masking terrible grief and it wasn't in my power to console you. But how I craved just for that! To touch your shoulder, to hold you in my arms; yet it wasn't meant to be. Fate was merciless on me.

Then the most wonderful thing had happened. With each of my assigned enemies falling, your hatred seemed to lessen a bit. Once they were defeated you had told me that I was a different man. You forgave me! It was another proof of your nobility. Your kindness from all those years before was showing again. The same boy, the same young man, my one and only true friend was returned to me. Oh Malik, I thought everything would become normal from that point forward. Sadly, I was wrong once again.

I will never forget our fight in Masyaf against the man we once had called Master. How you helped me to defeat him and trusted me when no one else did. Despite my wrongdoings you patiently stayed by my side, supported me and cared for me just like all those years ago. No words could express how grateful I was to see you so devoted to my task, helping in any way you were able to. With the Apple in my hands I was destined to be the new ruler of our Creed. I felt responsible for all our brothers and I accepted what was offered to me. On the other hand, I didn't want to lose you once more Malik. So that's why I made you Second-in-charge. Your intelligence benefited all of our brotherhood. At that time I felt as happy as I could ever be. We were running the whole order together. It looked as you had really forgiven me, since you were acting the way you had before; before those horrible events, before our downfall. Whenever you were immerged in some old text, my eyes would always watch you. Nothing had changed in your attitude towards books, Malik. And that thought meant to me so much. It was at those times that I wanted to confess my feelings the most. It seemed that you would have accepted me for who I am, even if I wasn't worthy to ask that of you.

My feelings were bubbling inside. Although I had you as a friend, I wanted you as my lover too. I realize that it was selfish of me, yet I could not help it. You were driving me mad; you and your incomparable personality. Once, as we were eating our dinner in the dining-hall you were talking to some other assassins. I observed your every move, unconsciously staying alert, determined to protect you from any possible danger. Not that you couldn't defend yourself, it was just one of my stubborn wishes to keep you safe at any cost. Your talk was very intense and for the first time in years I heard your laughter. It suited you, Malik. You should've laughed more often.

We had a time of peace, and, with you at my side, it was like a heaven for me. But I was still in charge and that meant I was occupied with lots paper work, making new contacts and assigning missions to my fellow brothers. Sometimes, when I went outside to stretch my legs, I would stumble upon you teaching the youngest members of our creed how to hold a sword properly or showing some basic techniques on how to evade the blow. I could see from afar that the children liked you. You would have been a good father, Malik.

In fact, to my eyes you're perfect in every way. The pain in your life hardened you, wiping away the sweetness you once possessed and making you into a professional assassin. Oh Malik, my wonderful Malik, you are the source of everything nice that had happened in my life. Without you I would be nothing. Without you I am nothing. I keep pushing reality away but it comes back in full force. They could not convince me that you passed away. It wasn't supposed to happen. I remained silent when the news was delivered to me. They had told me of how you were tortured before they let you rest in peace. I couldn't suppress my anger and despair. You deserved a better life. I should have died instead of you. Maybe you were too perfect for this world. Maybe that's why the fate had chosen you this path.

When I was left alone I surrendered to the overwhelming sadness and grief. I let myself cry my heart out for the first time in my life. It was a strange sensation, feeling salty drops on my cheeks. It was said that men don't cry, but I couldn't care less. There was no more light for me, there was no more you, Malik. I was choking on my tears, destroying everything standing in my way. Then my hand came across one of your favorite books. I stopped my weeping, lightly brushing the leather binding. I trailed my fingers where yours once lingered. It was the same book from all those years ago. You would read it over and over again, back then we were just children, unaware of our damned future.

My cheeks were still wet and my heart remained hollow. Despite my talents at killing, I was miserable in this sphere. How will I ever recover? Malik, I need your advice. Teach me how to go on. What would you have me do? You were always the intelligent one among us two. I still can't apprehend the thought that you won't be ever coming through this door again. I would give anything for a devil to see you entering, reprimanding me for my inadequate actions or any other small mistake. You have no idea how many times I had blamed myself for your death. I swore to protect you and yet it was nothing but empty promises.

Oh Malik, my sweet Malik, I should have told you. I should have told you how I feel before it was too late. I should have told you how passionately I love you.

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**Some sad Altair/Malik because I'm in the mood.**


End file.
